As I have been open about thus far, we have been doing fertility treatments. We have not been protecting for almost a year "trying" for 10 months, trying using Clomid for 8 months - actually only 7 with Clomid since I had to take November off due to a cyst, and trying using Clomid, FSH shot, and HCG shot & artificial insemination for 1 month - this month will be the second.
My body hates me for this! I am tired, I am cranky(-er then normal), I am a hairy beast!!, my body is bloated all of the time, I ache, did I mention that I am ornry too - and my Physicians Assistant said that many women gain 30-40 pounds while going through this stuff, because of emotional eating plus all of the jacking with the various hormones. And we got a $1,000.00 lab bill this week for the lab work that I had last month. The inseminations are 5,000- 6,000 - we were ready for that, we just were not ready for all this other stuff.
And with every passing month it gets closer to my 30th b-day. I am not sure if I want to have kids after I turn 30.
I want more kids, at least one, but you know when you know that the boy/girl you have a crush on isn't interested in you and so then you start making up reasons that you didn't really like him anyways...just so you feel better about yourself? Well, that is where I am at with this fertility stuff. I am just not sure that this is what the Lord wants for us? If he wanted us to get pregnant - then we would. So is this a lesson in accepting the Lord's time? or a sign that this isn't whats in store for us? Maybe I am thinking too much about it - as I do most things.
Maybe the reason that I was not supposed to give Brooklyn up for adoption 9 years ago is because the Lord new that she was my only shot? I don't know? I don't know?
I am only doing this 2 maybe 3 more months before we call it quits for a while. Our next tentative insemination will be the 23rd of January - and we will not find out if it works for 2 weeks after that.
Hmmm whatelse can I rant about while I am here?
It is cold! Down to 10 degrees now and it's only 7:12! I made homemade chicken noodle soup (with homemade noodles) tonight for dinner, it sounded like a good cold weather food. It was good.
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2 comments:
ERICA!!! (holly gave me this so Ive been spying b/c Im a blog stocker) I do the same thing as you- set deadlines, but when they come I just set an extended one, because... I HOPE! And faith and hope don't set deadlines. I would totally agree with you though on taking a breather from the drugs, what you and your family are goign through is just too hard to carry on. Relaly really really you would get so much from one of the retreats I went to, you will leave feelign sooo good about yourself your body and your future weather a baby comes or not. I have been through every emotional loop you're on and IT SUCKS! Trying to figure out or second guess Heavenly Father's will in all this, trying to make sense out of every decision you've ever made in your life (I totally thought 'why didn't ryan and I have sex before we got married then we'd have like 10 kids by now? we were dumb!'), wondering if this was some kind of punishment, hating every woman I ever saaw that was pregnant and feelign like they had no idea how LUCKY they were. Its terrible, and your spirit and your body feel all that stress and in that state your body won't cooperate. I learned so much from that retreat, call me if you want to talk or email me again an dI will try and explain what she explained, but seriously if you went you'd NEVER regret it. Here's the website
www.fertilityretreats.com
GOOD LUCK, you're in my prayers, DON'T LOOSE FAITH!! MIRACLES REALLY REALLY DO HAPPEN!
Everything happens when it's time. I had Bailey when I was 33 and I don't think I was too old, just old even......
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